I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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