she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
