I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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