he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
