every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
