You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
