Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
