He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
