why didn't you poke me back
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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