u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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