Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
