Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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