i can't believe i had my finger in that
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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