Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
