Redeem this text for a blowjob
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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