Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
