We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
