i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just invented taco cereal.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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