I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
