I haven't been this sober since birth.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize