A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
