im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
