I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
