he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Boobs speak an international language.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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