A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
