lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
