Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
