Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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