i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
