He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
