$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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