I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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