Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Even my vagina gasped.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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