Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
