i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I understand Curling. That high.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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