I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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