i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
