sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
