Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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