i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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