You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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