You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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