You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
