I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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