Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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