You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
