Your face is a jimmy john
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
