I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Randomize
