Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
