I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
