so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
