If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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