I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize