Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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