I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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