I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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