So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize