You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
