I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Where is the hickey?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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