Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The uberlube is also flammable
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
