I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
